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 Chapter 1

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BlackRoseWicth

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PostSubject: Chapter 1   Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:40 pm

K guys here's the first chapter now keep in mind this is from the main character's view. The point of view will change in each chapter again send comments and suggestion to make the story better k.... here you go


Its been 10 years since then, every child has been assigned new parents I guess its so the parents can brainwash the kids or something. Because ever since the war ended everyone on this planet has lost their minds…. Well not everyone. My name is Cleopatra Williams I’m the last solider fighting the war in secret, my step-parents are a bunch of shit heads just like most people here. I say most people because well I still have my friends Kristy and Atem. Atem has always been a great artist and Kristy well she has a talent for gymnastics. I for one don’t do much but Kristy says I can do practically everything. I personally don’t think that’s true but whatever not many opinions matter to me anyway.


“C? C?! Hello? Earth to Cleopatra?! Man I swear it s like you in another world during school.”

“ Any world is better than this K”.

“ Aw, come on its not so bad hey, were all going to the hangout tonight you should come too”

Then I heard the most horrifying, most disgusting, foul, sour, and hideous creature ever The prom queen Cedra Itagim

“huh a girl like her in a place like the hangout?! PLEASE don’t make me laugh! She belongs in the pile of scrap heat where she belongs”

“ OH yeah says the piece of trash standing here talking” I replied

The hangout was basically a club for fifteen and sixteen year-olds that no one else knew about I’ve never been there before but maybe it’ll be nice to listen to some actual music instead of the real trash they play on the radio


“ Whatever you’ll never be good enough for anything Cleo if anyone is gonna rule this place it’s me once I marry the prince.”

The prince of course was the son of the Lord, everyone loved him for some reason but in my point of view he's my enemy along with his father.

“ Whatever do what you want with your life I really don’t care what you do”

“That’s because you’re nothing but a LOSER and you always will be”

I watched the wicked witch of the west walk away as Atem came up to us.

“So you guys you gonna be at the hangout tonight?” he asked

“C you comin’? “

“Sure I’ll go but only for tonight” I replied

“Great!” said K, Then I looked up at Atem again and he had the biggest smile on his face. I don’t know why he was so happy but I guess I’ll never know.


Last edited by BlackRoseWicth on Mon Mar 08, 2010 3:03 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Vampyre
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:48 pm

omg!!! awesomeness!!! please post more soon ^.^
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BlackRoseWicth

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:50 pm

thx alot i'll be sure to post more later on ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:53 pm

yay! ^.^
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Tsunadesama16

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:19 pm

^^Yay! This is awesomeness, Lizz!! *hugs her*
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Vampyre
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Sun Mar 07, 2010 11:37 pm

*starts slowly walking away trying not to be noticed so he doesnt get hugged*

=/
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BlackRoseWicth

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Mon Mar 08, 2010 2:56 pm

aww thx you guys chapter 2 is coming soon to hopefully I'll have it done by Thursday ^^ and this time its from Atem's point of view ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Mon Mar 08, 2010 3:56 pm

if its the same thing but from a different point of view, it should still be chapter 1 but with something telling its from a different point of view
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Yusei Fudo



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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Thu Mar 11, 2010 4:33 pm

It's awesome, good job!
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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:02 pm

when are ya gonna post the next one?
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BlackRoseWicth

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Fri Mar 12, 2010 5:47 pm

well i'm kinda stuck on part two of chapter 2 but i have a few ideas i can sqeeze in (hopefully) ^^;
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Black321

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Fri Mar 12, 2010 6:11 pm

It's....short. Add detail, and maybe more than just dialogue. Describe actions.

Sometimes, I lose who is who when talking. Maybe, just call me crazy, try to add who said what at the end Razz

Sorry, I am a wanna-be author, so, I'll come mean >:d
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BlackRoseWicth

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PostSubject: Re: Chapter 1   Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:26 am

thanks for the advice Black321 i'm sure to make a few changes to chapter 2 i appreciate you sharing your opinon ^^ keep making suggestions if you feel there's something missing to the story k Very Happy
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